I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize