its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
