Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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