I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
