I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We need to rekindle our bromance
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
