Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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