do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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