positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
