When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
