I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize