god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
