A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
