did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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