I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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