You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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