I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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