She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
