John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
