she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
