I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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