Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
