Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
