Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Randomize
