I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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