The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
