Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
