I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
