and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
