I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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