i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
