Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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