burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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