according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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