i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
