Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
