When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
