sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
