Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
