I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize