I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
