During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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