Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
