Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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