As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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