My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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