she looked like the before picture.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize