I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
