Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
