got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize