So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
