i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
