Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
