I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
