end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
