I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
