I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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